Incandescent Eclipse

: Steve Irwin - Crocodile Hunter :

2006-09-04T16:54:03Z

Steve Irwin has left Earth
fatal death blow

i will truly miss him.
i admired and loved him for all he believed and did.

sun_seed @ 2006-09-02T16:25:00

2006-09-02T21:26:55Z

: rare exotic bird gets stainless steel beak :

2006-08-30T16:51:41Z

first bird in Britain to have a steel jaw

amazing.

sun_seed @ 2006-08-29T22:38:00

2006-08-30T03:47:32Z

the valley spirit that doesn't die
we call the dark womb
the dark womb's mouth
we call the source of creation
as real as gossamer silk
and yet we can't exhaust it

tao te ching
lao-tzu

: book of thoth - part I :

2006-08-29T16:38:39Z

i've finished reading the first part of THE BOOK OF THOTH by Aleister Crowley last night and started over at the beginning because many concepts in the first section are abstract mixed with pure logic and mathematical reality. the first time around, it was introductory. now as i go through the pages, it is somewhat familiar to me and i am able to comprehend on a higher level. part of the reason for the lack of understanding in the first run is that his style of writing is very sophisticated and doctor-esque. one has to dig through many elaborate words as well as long-winded explanations to get to the root and meaning of what he's actually trying to say. essentially, it's almost like reading shakespeare in high school. difficult but intriguing.

sun_seed @ 2006-08-27T15:32:00

2006-08-27T20:37:02Z

: many elements :

2006-08-27T18:10:54Z

"Therefore you can have an infinite number of gods, individual and equal though diverse, each one supreme and utterly indestructible. This is also the only explanation of how a Being could create a world in which War, Evil, etc., exist. Evil is only an appearance, because (like "Good") it cannot affect the substance itself, but only multiply its combinations. This is something the same as Mystic Monotheism; but the objection to that theory is that God has to create things which are all parts of Himself, so that their interplay is false. If we presuppose many elements, their interplay is natural."

THE BOOK OF THOTH
(Egyptian Tarot)
Aleister Crowley

: my God :

2006-08-25T14:08:48Z

angels on the sideline
puzzled and amused
why did Father give these humans free will?
now they're all confused

don't these talking monkeys know that Eden has enough to go around?
playing in this holy garden, silly old monkeys
where there's one you're bound to divide it
right in two

angels on the sideline
baffled and confused
father blessed them all with reason
and this is what they choose
monkey killing monkey killing monkey
over pieces of the ground

silly monkeys give them thumbs
they forge a blade
and where there's one they're bound to divide it
right in two
right in two

monkey killing monkey killing monkey
over pieces of the ground
silly monkeys give them thumbs
they make a club
and beat their brother down
how they survive so misguided is a mystery
repugnant, dismal creature who would squander
the ability to live, to die, and have a conscience

brothers sleep inside here

cut it right, all right in two
cut it right, all right in two
cut it right, all right in two
cut it right, all right in two

fight over the clouds, over wind, over sky
fight over life, over blood, over air and light
over love, over sun, over another
fight each other, over lies and....

angels on the sideline again
been so long with patience and reason
angels on the sideline again
wondering when this tug of war will end

cut it right, all right in two
cut it right, all right in two
cut it right, all right in two
right in two
right in two

"right in two"
tool
10,000 days

: 800 million / $80 billion :

2006-08-24T18:22:45Z

U.S. could feed 800 million people with grain that livestock eat, Cornell ecologist advises animal scientists. Future water and energy shortages predicted to change face of American agriculture.

http://www.news.cornell.edu/releases/Aug97/livestock.hrs.html

: for everyone, i'd appreciate your input on this :

2006-08-24T17:37:27Z

answer this for me, please...

if someone made to suffer (i.e. because they are being punished - for instance, God punishing a sinner) but they do not know why they are suffering, is it really worth it? does it really prove the point of the intended suffering?

sun_seed @ 2006-08-23T21:38:00

2006-08-24T02:39:24Z

christopher's miranda

sun_seed @ 2006-08-23T20:55:00

2006-08-24T01:58:18Z

hard-to-please miranda

sun_seed @ 2006-08-21T23:19:00

2006-08-22T04:20:20Z

pinup miranda

: GOOSES! :

2006-08-21T13:30:26Z

on the way to work this morning, i stopped six lanes of major traffic to help a flock of geese across the road. this made me so happy!!

the leader goose was very brave as he was the first one on the road sticking his neck out (literally) for the entire flock. so i put my truck into park and stopped the traffic while the others followed. it was so interesting because the leader goose took queues from me as if he totally understood what i was saying - when i waved him over saying "come on, come on" encouragingly, he would walk right toward me and past me along with the rest of his group. what a brave guy! i love their waddling walks and waggling tails!

did you know geese mate for life and mourn the loss of their mates, often standing by the body for days if they see it dead?

GOOSES!!

: Miranda :

2006-08-21T02:04:09Z

sun_seed @ 2006-08-20T14:29:00

2006-08-20T19:31:23Z

my miranda

: World's Rarest Parrot Discovered in Colorado Living Room :

2006-08-18T17:56:15Z

World's Rarest Parrot Discovered in Colorado Living Room : Repatriated to Breeding Program in Brazil after 25 Years Underground.

22 December 2002

A Spix's Macaw, the world's rarest parrot, made a long flight home today from Colorado to Brazil, 25 years after being taken from the wild, smuggled to Europe, and subsequently to the USA. With luck, this avian "Rip Van Winkle" will provide the genetic shot-in-the-arm that the species needs to bring it back from the brink of extinction. The iridescent indigo-blue macaw with a long sweeping tail is a unique bird. Never common, the Spix's became extinct in the wild two years ago following decades of decline from trapping and habitat loss.

After losing its Spix's mate more than 20 years ago, this bird was left on the current owner's doorstep by its smuggler-owner, who subsequently vanished. The bird -- dubbed "Presley" -- was then kept as a household pet, spending decades paired with a female Yellow-naped Amazon. The amazon died this past summer prompting the owner to seek help from the World Parrot Trust in returning the Spix's Macaw back with its own kind and back to its home country. Recognizing the value of this bird to conservation, the Trust confirmed the identity of the bird and contacted the US Fish and Wildlife Service and Brazil's equivalent agency IBAMA. The three organizations have worked swiftly to orchestrate the appropriate permits, health checks, and other necessary steps to return the bird to a breeding facility in Brazil. After months of intensive care preparing the bird for travel and breeding, Presley is now homeward bound.

On arrival in Brazil, the bird will be paired with an appropriate mate, housed in an ideal climate, and fed a diet closely matching this species' diet in the wild. Because virtually all the remaining captive Spix's Macaws are extremely close relatives, this bird has the exciting potential to make a unique genetic contribution to the recovery of this species, quite possibly saving the bird from extinction. Although Presley is at least 25 years old, as a male macaw, he may have many breeding years left.

In compliance with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, the San Diego Zoo's Center For Reproduction of Endangered Species (CRES) received samples to help determine the sex of this Spix's macaw. For comparison, samples of known-gender related species were contributed by the Parrot Society of Los Angeles. The San Diego Zoo's Genetic Division, led by Oliver Ryder, head geneticist, used cutting-edge techniques from the feathers and half a teaspoon of blood of the Spix's macaw to determine that the bird is a male. This conclusion allowed the breeding program to formulate a plan on relocating the male as a contribution to the species survival. "We're honored to participate in the efforts to save the Spix's macaw," said Ryder. "Our efforts in this project combined with the addition of the samples to our Frozen Zoo collection will help preserve them for future conservation purposes."

Unlike any other animal species alive today, the fate of the Spix's Macaw now rests largely in the hands of a few private collectors in the Philippines, Switzerland, Qatar, and the Canary Islands, who operate with few if any scientific or conservation credentials, and who paid enormous sums for these birds as they disappeared from the wild in the last few decades. The last 20 years has brought about a series of well-intentioned meetings, amnesties for Spix's owners, and discussions of recovery plans -- in the end, far more conversation than conservation. Effective action on the bird's behalf has been derailed time and again by ownership and management issues, and ultimately by several governments having turned a blind eye to the illegal activities of their citizens.

With the remarkably smooth cooperation of the United States and Brazilian Governments, this rapid transfer of the bird to its homeland may set a positive precedent for individuals and governments aiding the recovery of other endangered birds and mammals.

Speaking on the recent re-emergence and transfer to Brazil, James Gilardi, Ph.D., director of the World Parrot Trust said, "Of the tens of millions of parrots in cages around the world, we hear rumors about rare birds like this occasionally, but they seldom lead to discoveries as critically important as this Spix's Macaw. We're enormously pleased by the cooperation of the owner and the respective governments, and we hope this bird's homecoming will mark the start of a renewed spirit of cooperation on behalf of the Spix's recovery from extinction.

Mike Reynolds of the World Parrot Trust, commented that the Trust had a good track record for locating Spix's Macaws. "In 1990 we funded the expedition that found the last remaining Spix's in the wild. Now we have been instrumental in finding and returning to Brazil this genetically invaluable bird. We will continue to do all we can to help this fascinating parrot species survive."

For more information, please contact the World Parrot Trust, the Fish and Wildlife Service, and the San Diego Zoo at the following locations:

World Parrot Trust
James Gilardi, Ph.D. Director
USA Phone/Fax 530 756 6340 Pacific Standard Time
UK Phone (01736) 753 365, Fax (01736) 756438
Gilardi@worldparrottrust.org

US Fish and Wildlife Service
Office of Law Enforcement
Sandra Cleva
Phone: 703 358 1949 Fax: 703 358 1947

San Diego Zoo Public Relations 619 685 3291

Additional Background Facts:

CLICK HERE FOR PHOTO OF SPIX'S MACAW

The Spix's Macaw is the only species in its genus Cyanopsitta, and one of only four species of "blue macaws." Of the other three, the Glaucous Macaw has not been reliably sighted in over 50 years despite systematic searches and is presumed extinct. The Lear's Macaw is designated "Critical," and numbers in the low hundreds in the wild. The largest and best known of the four, the Hyacinth is now "Endangered" by the IUCN's Red List. Efforts to halt the trade in these species and to promote their recovery in the wild are ongoing in their native range in Brazil.

: A Parrot's Bill of Rights :

2006-08-18T17:17:57Z

i've joined the WORLD PARROT TRUST and along with paying the annual membership fee, i got a set of 10 FLY FREE wrist bands as well. a few of you will be receiving one. please wear it. if you find you don't want it, please either send it back to me or give to someone who also loves parrots that might wear it occasionally. also, if you have some time and money, maybe you'd like to donate to FOSTER PARROTS where i buy really neat stuff through their cafepress.com store all the time.

I. Get To Know About Parrots Before You Bring Me Home. I am not a domesticated pet like a dog or cat. I still have the spirit of the jungle in me. I have special needs that you may find hard to fill. Please don't learn these too late for my well being. And, please don't acquire one of my cousins wild from the jungle – it will jeopardize his survival and well being, and that won't be a party for you either!

II. Give Me The Largest Home Possible. I am used to flying through rainforests or savannas. I have given up this great gift for your pleasure. At the very least, give me enough room to flap my wings and exercise. And, I need toys for my amusement and wood to chew, otherwise I might confuse your home with the forest and its trees.

III. Give Me A Nutritious Diet. I need a variety of fresh and nutritious foods, even if they take time to prepare. I cannot survive on seed alone. Take time to learn what my needs are.

IV. Let Me Have A Social Life. I am a gregarious flock animal – but I am not one of you. I need lots of socialization to learn how to act with you and with my siblings. I also need to have adequate quality time with you every day – no matter what your schedule or other needs are. I am a living, feeling being. Above all, I need to be able to have complete trust in you and count on your predictability in looking after me – every day.

V. Let Me Be Clean. I may like to drop food or even throw it, but I need meticulous cleanliness to be healthy. My skin itches without frequent showers, the barbs of my feathers won't seal if they become oily and, worst of all, I may become ill if my food or water is not always sanitary.

VI. I Need My Own Doctor. You may not understand my physiology and, therefore, you may not recognize it early on when I get sick. And, it may be too late when you do because I hide my illnesses (remember what I said about my being an animal of the jungle where there are lots of predators). And, I need an avian vet – a specialist (no HMOs for me, please). If you can't afford one, perhaps you shouldn't have taken me home.

VII. Please Don't Punish Me. Just as I don't always understand your peculiarities, you may not understand mine. I don't try to get in trouble – remember, a house is not the jungle. If I do screw up, don't yell at me and never, never hit me. I have sensitive ears and I may never trust again if you strike me. Hands are sometimes scary things to us (why in the world would you not be zygodactylous like us?) Even more importantly, we don't learn by punishment. We are gentle creatures who only strike back to protect ourselves. We learn through patience and love.

VIII. Speak My Language. I know you get upset with me when I knock over my water bowl, throw food, scream or pluck my feathers. I don't do these things to annoy you – I am probably trying to tell you something (perhaps that I am hurting, lonely or sad). Learn to speak my (body) language. Remember that I, alone of all creatures on this planet, learn to speak yours!

IX. See Me As An Individual. I am a unique and feeling being – no two of us are alike. Please don't be disappointment in me if I don't talk like you wanted me to or can't do the tricks that your friend's parrot can do. However, if you pay close attention to me (and I always empathize with you, whether you know it or not), I will show you a unique being who will give you so much more than talking and playing. Give me a chance to show you who I am, I think you'll find the effort worth it. And remember – I am not an ornament; I do not enhance any living room decor; and I am not a status symbol – if you use me as such, I might nip at your upturned nose!

X. Share Your Love With Me. Above all please remember that you are my special person. I put all of my trust and faith in you. We parrots are used to being monogamous (no bar hopping for us!). So, please don't go away for long periods or give me away, that would be a sadness from which I may never recover. If that seems to be asking a lot, remember that you could have learned about my needs before brining me home. Even having a baby or taking a new job isn't a fair reason – you made a commitment to me first! And, if you think that you must leave me because you might die, provide for me forever after you leave. I may live to a ripe old age, but I can't provide for myself. Remember that I'm in a small cage amongst people who are not of my blood.

XI. Your Rights. You have lots of rights, but I can only assure one. That is that if you treat me the way I described above, I will reward you with unwavering love, humor, knowledge, beauty, dedication and a sense of wonder and awe you haven't felt since you were a child. When you took me home, you became my flock leader, indeed, my entire universe – for life! I would hang the moon and stars for you if I could. We are one in heart and soul.

: the spider incident :

2006-08-11T15:27:56Z

so yes, Donna and i were sitting outdoors on her new patio in the gazebo eating our lovely delivered chinese. it got nice and dark and the bug candles illuminated our area nicely. as she's talking i see this wafting bug come waltzing through the candlelit air and think to myself it's one of those huge mosquitoes with the long wings and antennas so i go to swat it away. at the same time, she thinks it's a june bug and goes to swat it away too BUT then i realize, "that's not a bug, it's a spider!" therefore causing two things to happen:

1. Donna goes flying to the opposite end of the room after shrieking at the size of the spider about ten inches away from both our faces

2. the spider goes climbing back up its web to the top of the gazebo where it must have been sitting and living all this time.

and i am looking at this creature, which in all fairness probably didn't mean us humans much harm, and am almost frozen to my seat as i ponder its immense size. this thing was big. i mean, okay, those people who handle tarantulas on a daily basis probably wouldn't be impressed but myself and my friend are terribly petrified of arachnids and this one was beyond the size of comfort. its puffy big yellow/creme behind was the circumference of a nickel (or maybe close to a quarter) and it had legs that were long and thick at the bases then eased out to fine points. these legs were also creme colored and brown striped. i actually took the time to admire its features and realized that, yes, it had to have been big to form a web so thick. the web (as i had moved some away from the table when we first came out) was rigid and firm, at least the thickness of a hair. i should have looked for him then, but brushed it off as nonconsequential.

meanwhile, Donna is squealing and shrieking and explaining that she has immense archnaphobia and sort of feeling her way along the netted walls of the gazebo to the zipped area where she can promptly remove herself from the premises. i stand off my seat and ask her if she has a cup to capture the spider, which she does, but begs and pleads with me not to do this, to let her get her brother from downstairs, asking me if i'm sure i want to do this because as she knows, i also have immense arachnaphobia - the sort that causes near instant paralysis upon recognition of an eight-legged intruder into my personal space. such as i was experiencing seconds prior as the creature (probably thinking he'd like to snack on some chicken lo mein) retracted his steps quickly upward.

she got the critter cup. yes, she has a small styrofoam cup and cardboard top made just for critters as such. she also got the flashlight so that i could capture it easier. as she was inside finding these things, i looked up at the creature and started to explain to him what i was about to do. "this is what's going to happen," i said slowly and clearly making sure he could hear and understand me, "all i'm going to do is put you inside this cup. then i'm going to put you in the grass, okay? that's all. i'm not going to harm you. i don't want to harm you."

as soon as she shone the flashlight on the spider, we recoiled. it was really big. and the light of the flashlight made it seem even bigger. not only this, but its shadow became twice its size. i ground my teeth and looked at the cup. she started to squeal again and asked if i am sure i want to do this, and actually asked me not to do this. i looked at her and asked if she has a taller cup and a spatula - which threw her for a slight loop. "what are you going to do with the spatula?" she asked, confused. this was funny because now as i think back on it, it got her to relax a little as she tried to figure out this puzzle.

"i'm going to capture it. but i need a taller cup and a spatula." she still couldn't quite realize what it was i wanted to do - she thought i was just going to bat at the spider with the spatula and try to get it in the cup. well, unbeknownst to her, i was in no mood for playing spider-baseball at the moment. O.O

so, we get a taller cup and a spatula, then go back out there. well, first we take a few breaths because at this point the veins on my hands are about the size of twizlers and they're throbbing. ah, adrenaline and its fine points. so, tall cup and spatula entow, we make our way back out there. i enter the gazebo area. Donna stays out side but inserts her arm through the zip-door to shine the flashlight at the spider, who is still "hanging out". she said later that she didn't want me to swat the spider at her head with the spatula so she stayed out of the netted area.

i stood on a chair and swallowed hard. i also have a terrification of spiders. and this was a serious spider. it wasn't just your regular light colored tiny guy making his way along the countryside. it was a thick, serious fellow and i could tell he was rather disturbed at our lack of consideration for dark places. as i neared him with my spatula (after demonstrating to Donna that i am not going to swat at him, just close in the flat spatula over the top of the cup so he doesn't escape) i must have touched a part of its web and he retracted further up the tube. this was sort of a dilemma because it called for a slight change of strategy. now, i could not close the spatula over the top of the spider as he was inside the open tube. we, Donna and i, that is, looked at each other for a moment, then, without thinking about it any further, i reached up, put the cup over the opening of the tube and tapped hard on the edge.

the spider let go and fell in.

the spider also shot right back up along the edge of the inside of the cup with lightning speed.

had i been any slower in closing the opening of the cup with the flat spatula, i would have been wearing the spider. instead, i accidentally clasped two of his legs between cup edge and spatula. i was afraid that i had hurt him but i stood there for a moment, again paralyzed, as this spider now clinged at the edge and myself, with arms outstretched upward, clinged to mere rationale.

i think Donna was saying something at that point but you know that strange cotton like feeling the ears get when something shocking is happening and the mind tends to block out sound and anything else from entering? that's what i was going through at that very moment. slowly, very, very slowly, i lowered my arms and allowed the tiniest of looseness to the spatula so the spider could slip its feet out. it did. and as the cup was clear i could see that i did indeed hurt its legs slightly but not seriously. he was trying to straighten them out and rearrange himself properly at the bottom of the cup... which, i must point out, was thinner on the bottom than at the top. meaning that my fingers were just a few milimeters between the spider and the plastic. meaning that i was essentially touching the spider. he looked a little smaller in the cup. i felt very, very sorry that i had harmed his legs. that was not my intent. i climbed down off the chair.

"what should we do with him?" Donna asked. "well, we cannot kill him," i replied. "Oh no, i would never do that," she said. i looked around. "let's put him over there," i motioned with my head toward some bushes far off, "in your neighbor's yard." i think she started to snicker, i'm not sure because i was already on my way over there. so we arrived at the bushes, Donna still shining the flashlight and looking into the window of the house we were about to endanger by means of thick, creamy spider, and then shone the light on the ground by the bushes. i leaned down and turned the cup gently upside down. the spider slid out. "is it out?" she asked. "yes," i said. the light illuminated the spider and i noticed he did not have trouble walking, therefore felt that his legs were not wounded to impair his physical ability.

but then i noticed something else. the spider, kind soul that he probably was, started making its way back in the direction of Donna's house. "um.." i said. "what?" she said. "it's walking back toward your house so i'm just gonna redirect it," and so i leaned down and poked it softly with the edge of the spatula, turning the guy around to go the other direction, to the bushes. at first he coiled up into a ball but then realized it's alright so he uncoiled and, to our relief, started walking in the direction we had hoped for.

we immediately retreated back to the patio. i, however, did not go back into the gazebo. i went back into the house. Donna kept saying to me she could not believe i just did what i did. i couldn't either. i really, really couldn't either.

the next few moments were spent shaking, shuddering, shrieking, scratching, scratching more and telling her husband (who had just gotten home) about what happened and about past spider incidences.

"i'm going to dream about this tonight," i said as Donna laughed and shuddered again, "and for several other nights," i said and nodded grimly.

well, i didn't dream of him last night.

: sedated arguments :

2006-08-09T16:39:49Z

i left the soft music on for the birds as i put them to bed because the roommate and her boyfriend were playing a video game in her room together and sounds of it and them talking could be heard in the living room. it seemed to drown out a majority of their noise pretty well. this morning when i uncovered the cages, i checked on Tori and she was a good girl and had not pulled any more of her feathers. her skin looked a little better. i spritzed her down again with filtered water and as much as she hates it when i do it, i can tell it felt good to her. her warming lamp is directed into her cage right above a perch so she likes to sit beneath it through the day. also, i left the humidifier on high. i am convinced now that it was the aloe spray that gave her an allergic reaction and i am going to pour it all out when i get home. as i mentioned before, nothing but filtered water will go on her skin from now on. last night, i kept her pretty much very moist and she sat under the lamp by me as i worked on a project on my computer. i then took her to the living room where Simon settled for sleep and i read a book while she perched on my forearm, softly calming down and enjoying the moistness of her non-itchy skin. i wanted to make sure she was calm enough for sleep so that she didn't pull more feathers through her anxiety.

there are no words to describe how much i love her and how much it affects me when something sad happens to her. she is such a good girl. i will not know in my lifetime if her beginning plucking was because i did not spend enough time with her a couple years ago, or if i didn't give her enough moisture in the house or if she had been genetically predispositioned to it. maybe after i die i will find out. i sometimes ask myself if it really is necessary for me to keep asking myself "why" when i look at her. no, it doesn't change anything but would knowing the exact answer help me to give her an exact cure? for instance, what would i be doing differently now if i found out that she initially pulled her feathers due to my negligence of how much she was missing me while i was away at work? answer: nothing. what would i be doing differently if i found out it was an environment defect? answer: nothing. what would i be doing differently now if i found out she has been genetically predisposed to this? answer: nothing. and i don't mean the "nothing" that comes with just doing what i'm doing. i mean the "nothing" that comes from continually looking for ways to alleviate her, always finding out about any possible advances in avian medicine, trying to seek cures, being very interested in parrot psychology, contining to pray to God, the Angel of Parrots and my Grandmother for help, and always never giving up on making her life as good as i can. that's what i mean by not changing anything i'm doing now.

it's such a human burden to regret after years; to feel complete remorse for what maybe the reasons were behind something that i feel completely responsible for. is asking myself "why" truly necessary? i don't know. many people will say it is not necessary, it only adds to my stress and my general distaste for who i was back then and my disgust at how little i knew about parrots in general when i decided to buy Tori from the pet store. i think about that moment a great deal. she was previously purchased by a woman who wanted to get her as a present for her husband then returned when the husband told the woman he doesn't want the bird. i think about that and just realize how horrible that woman's mentality was. to not even be sure if her husband would want a bird like this. to purchase her as some unique present to appease his imagination and the way he views her. to blow over $1000 on a living gift, a life that was so needful and deep that it is still being researched by world scientists. to me, Tori looked like a lost little girl. her calls (which i later found out were for food, not for her mother) nearly broke my heart and i held her close to me on that first exchange, trying to comfort her. she didn't even try to bite. her gentleness toward me was amazing. as i shopped for supplies that i would need, i let her perch on the shopping cart's handle bar. she continued to call out softly. i ask myself "why" about this too. why wasn't the store manager on duty that night smart enough to know that she was not fully weaned yet and needed her formula? why wasn't i told that she was still being fed the formula and shown how to do it? why was Tori even crying for formula at that point - if the night manager didn't know anything about feeding her, then the manager or employees before her should have fed Tori so that she would be okay through the night. these things haunt me. all the time. not just occasionally. i think about the factors that would have led to her loneliness and featherpicking - emotional, physical, spiritual. she made the most adorable little sounds when we drove home and she was wrapped in her little carrier. i named her Tori in the car, after the sirenesque singer which i favored at the time, with the red hair and red personality i felt it was a good fit.

i, of course, purchased her in full beautiful feathers. they wouldn't have had her out on "display" if she had been picking. for the first two years of her life she did not pick at all. people say that at that age a bird can mature sexually and that the changes within her body may have triggered the maternal aspects of her plucking - mother birds will often pull out their own down feathers to pad and warm the nest. she started mildly pulling out feathers when i moved away from my ex and lived on my own. at that time i had two other birds, conures, as well. it was during this time that i met Eric and time was spent outside of my apartment a lot. as a result, i spent less time with Tori. the big problem here is that my memory of exactly how much time she had outside the cage and with me to how much time she spent alone is very limited. it was at this time that i did some very serious chemical damage to my brain (not illegally, but legally at that). in fact, if you were to ask me a majority of what happened with my life through the first year or so i was with Eric, i would be hardpressed to remember many details. i know that it was at this point that i started treating Tori for mild featherpulling. i immediately took action and resolved to spend more time with her. at this point she looked mildly ratty underneath but still had all her major feathers.

it was really after i had moved to downers grove that she had a major episode of pulling and then another a few weeks after that i began serious logging of events. it was at first a lotion i was using on her feathers to try helping her skin not be so dry. i was completely ignorant to the horrible effects of a foreign, perfumed substance on parrot feathers as i had no reason to know about it before then. then, i took the advice of people who had sworn by aloe vera from george's and through the constant application of that, the allergic reaction ocurred. she pulled herself skin raw, leaving only the large primary flight and tail feathers and, of course, those she could not reach on her head. after this, through my ignorance, i continued to keep her soaked with aloe vera, never undertanding why she wasn't letting her feathers come back until a friend on livjournal told me that many birds have allergies to the george's aloe and to stop using it immediately. i nearly immediately saw changes after soaking her with fresh water after that, but since then she's been just a fuzz butt of grey down and has not allowed any main color feathers to come through without pulling them out.

this brings me back to the incident yesterday after i used the aloe that the doctor gave me. for some stupid reason i thought that since it came from the doctor and was not a commercial product, that it would have a different effect on Tori. again, my ignorance in the face of reality and logic is not a flattering trait. there are things i can do to help her again but i really need to know what's going on in her internally too. i'm scheduling a full blood panel and doctor check up on her again shortly because it's been about a year since she's had one.

my biggest concern right now is not really her feathers. i have already accepted that as a lifelong project which will always be a priority. it's her constant sneezing that is worrying me. i have antibiotics for it, nose drops for it, probiotics for it and still she sneezes and scratches at her nostrils.

one other thing i'm going to do is purchase her a new cage. the one she has had is a few years old and i cannot afford to clean it professionally (nor do i have the time) but i am sure there are things on it that i don't want her to be around. she will get a cage Simon's size only with a play top instead of a dome top.

over the course of the years, i have spent more money only on rent than for the medical fees and supplies for Tori (and later Simon). and somehow, it's so unimportant how much money i've spent on them. it's just a fact. why is it i can accept the counless amounts of money as such a given and not her factors leading up to her plucking? because i could have done things differently before she started? i don't know that i would have.. after all, how would i have known she was going to start? i think about all i've written here now and wonder that i'm probably like a lot of other parents talking about things that their delinquent children have perhaps been caught doing. only Tori is hardly a delinquent. she's a beautiful, Nature's child spirit. but i'm still her mother - even if she sees me as predominantly her mate. i see myself as her mother, caregiver, guardian. i wouldn't do anything different than a mother who loves her child selflessly would do for that child. to many people she's just a bird. sometimes i have a hard time explaining this bond and this fact to people who think parrots should talk and live in cages happily, who don't understand why i do not support and abhor the breeding of exotic birds for monetary profit, why cannot grasp why i have specific diets, bedtimes, environment controls, roommate requirements and an obsessive overprotective nature that puts my birds on a giant pedestal, who think i'm just a crazy person with abandonment and control issues so instead of having human children i'd rather boss some birds around. with people like that, i don't even want to waste my time. my main objective at that point becomes to A. keep them as far away from my birds as possible and B. convince them with every power of my being to never, ever, ever, in a billion years buy a parrot.

sometimes, educating another person who is actually willing to listen can be rewarding but quite honestly, if they don't read about 20 books, magazines, see lectures, talk to owners, look at communities i would never encourage them to "impulse buy" a parrot. in fact, i wouldn't allow anyone to *buy* a parrot. they would absolutely need to adopt one that has been given up because the owners were too self-absorbed to give it the care it needed or they didn't do enough research before purchasing it.

yes, i am truly exhausted with this featherplucking issue that Tori has. but i don't love her any less. if anything, i love her so much more. i could never give her up unless my very presence was detrimental to her health. i will never abandon her or Simon in such a cold hearted manner. she is too bonded to me and i, to her. i don't think i could live without her and i truly fear the moment i do lose her to old age and a long-lived life. at that point, my life will be over too.

: Bee :

2006-08-09T04:39:30Z

i found Bee on my way to pick up Mir and K on sunday. he was sitting very still and huddled on the edge of the sidewalk. i walked up to him and asked if he was okay and he tried to flutter away but could not go very far. immediately, i picked him up and brought him upstairs where i syringe fed him water and a mild dose of antibiotics and an even milder dose of painkillers. he was very thirsty and drank, drank, drank as much as i would give him. i would not leave him alone at home so i took a syringe full of water and brought him with me all in his box in a towel. on the way to pick them up, i held Bee between my thighs and had the A/C off. i wanted to generate as much heat for him as possible and held my hand over his body to give him warmth. he seemed to really like that. i stopped for extra water after he had finished the syringe and when i finally got to the hotel, Mir took over giving him water and holding him in her lap. we took him to breakfast with us and had him through the day. during breakfast, he started moving around happily, looking about curiously, moving his eyes this way and that and scooting from one end of the container to the other. sadly, when i picked him up and examined him closer it was apparent that he had no movement left in his legs at all. we tried to move them gently back and forth to see if there were breaks but nothing was visible. his belly had been flattened and legs were useless. i could only assume he had been squashed by something heavy or that he fell onto the pavement from the nest. he became rowdy and lively on the way home, clearly revived from the medication and water. i was hoping he would chirp or make some sort of noise! well, we were getting ready for the photo shoot and i kept looking in on him (there was a point where he had tucked his head back into his wing to sleep) and i had made him some mushy cous cous in case he even wanted some food but it wasn't long before i peeked in on him again and found him with his wing spread out and laying dead on his side. his eyes were only halfway shut. i looked in on him again two more times after announcing that he had died to the women, perhaps in hopes of seeing him somewhow ressurected, but it was true, he was departed from the physical world. i am hoping he felt very peaceful and safe among softness and comfort before he left. i suspect he had died of internal bleeding since i could not find a scratch or mark on him outside. i hope he is flying quite high and happily now, in Birdie Heaven.

Bee's body is resting beneath one of the angel plants on my balcony.

: Tori :

2006-08-09T01:21:48Z

i came home to a very plucked littlereddoll
she's currently been washed down with filtered water and is having a relaxing steam shower. her skin was raw red.

she started last night and i had washed her down clean with filtered water but i believe the pure aloe might have aggravated her. she started plucking last night and i immediately took action. i amplified her humidifier and covered her cage through the night. that helped her and i found no feathers at the bottom of her cage. i did not have my hopes up, though, as i know her to have her worst episodes when i'm not around and she's unable to stop the irritation of her skin's dryness when she's pulling. and so, now her back and chest are bare and raw again. and i shake my head in shock and acceptance here as i sit and write this because at the same time as Tori is in the shower absorbing the hot steam, Simon is on the shower curtain keeping her company in full feather, happily chirping and blowing kisses, not at all destructive toward his feathers and the image of a perfect Eclectus boy - so i *know* i'm doing this right, i *know* i'm taking care of them correctly. i just don't know how to keep my Red Doll from having these episodes over and over again.

at this point i once again reassessing everything there is assess. i will only spritz her with lukewarm filtered water from now on and will keep her moist as much as possible as that alleviates the itching of her skin. i have been giving her a baytril antibiotic combination which had slightly alleviated her toe-tapping, wing-flipping episode she was experiencing a few days earlier. she has been sneezing also and i have been administering medicated nose drops for that. she seems to be doing better in that regard.

the bottom line is i need to keep her moist and humidified. but it is nearly impossible to reach the type of level of humidity she really needs when the A/C is always on or if i'm not always around to spritz her with the filtered water. the apartment water here is horrendous. i am terrified of even letting her take soaking showers under it but i spritz her clean afterwards with filtered water. my father is going to install a shower filter on my shower this week.

the biggest and foremost thought right now is that i would do anything to have the knowledge of what i'm doing wrong for her (or not enough of) or what is wrong with her so that i can at least spend all my money and time on resolving that so she can have a happy life not itching and pulling at her beautiful, fuzzy feathers all the time. i don't know if i'll ever get that wish in this lifetime but God knows i'm going to probably do everything in my power to while i'm alive.

: too slow, too fast :

2006-08-04T18:02:32Z

everything everything everything right now is getting on my nerves for not functioning correctly, not loading fast enough, not being comfortable enough, not able to be found, being just totally not where i want to be or what i want to be doing. i'm listening to some underground dance music and the speed of it is so fast that if something outside the music breaks my rhythm i'm left severely impaired and annoyed at the slowness. i don't want to turn it off because it's helping me get a lot of work done very fast but at the same time it's aggravating the living shyt out of me when i hit a snag or something around me slows down to an intolerable pace. i feel my heart pounding and at the same time all i want to do is go to sleep so i can have more energy for partying later on. again, this is not a day i should be at work.

: i see God talkin' :

2006-08-03T01:11:16Z

A dislocated day
Peers in to the ether
Counts the stars inside the sky
And flies in to the never

Looped around my eyelids
A thousand shining flecks
Pale against the canvas
Which hangs around my neck

Dislocated day
I will find a way
To make you say
The name of your forgiver

Stood beside an inlet
A starfish leads a dance
It dreams it is a human
And falls into a trance

A hole inside my body
Is wired up to a charge
Chemical imbalance
Tells me who you are

Insects hide the silence
November brings deep rain
Between the flow to freezing
And yesterday's sustain

Dislocated day
I will find a way
To make you say
The name of your forgiver

: want [ i love you Tupelo, rest in peace ] :

2006-07-27T16:30:57Z

if you want to make me happy get me this...

http://www.markbittner.net/parrots_book/signedcopy.html

my most favorite from the book is Tupelo:

Tupelo Chapter 13 Page on www.markbittner.net

when i see this image of her, taken shortly before she died, i am so moved that it is often hard to find my way back to reality and stop my tears. that a tiny being like her, so taken by the ultraviolet light cast by the sun and the fuschia, would know she is sick and unable to be a fully functional parrot-birdie yet still be able to take such passion in watching the fuschia with a look of complete peace upon her face.. it is heartshattering to me. just absolutely humbling. and this image, as if she is saying, "oh thank you, thank you for picking me up and showing me my flower! it is so beautiful and i love it!" just tears me up inside. i cannot adequately explain.